You’re Just A Marionette

Guest poet Halley Kunen

Halley and I met through Tumblr blogs, at the time I wrote an anonymous blog about parenting a child with substance use disorder. I had only a few followers..luckily Halley was one. I have appreciated her wit, wisdom and earnest posts, poems and messages.

You’re Just A Marionette

I saw something in those eyes
that sparked in me something different from the first time
blue pools of Persephone
a hidden fire
not sure what you used it for
but I’m tired of hurting
a magician uses the wand in a special way
with the key of timing
and that’s what you did
sleight of hand
all the better for clenching the secrets
you kept from everyone
what I could make of your smile
the edges sewn up like a marionette
encapsulating a life
in one dimension pacing in an abandoned cubicle
that was your trip home
while in the other world your space was full
or at least it temporarily felt that way.
I remember you used to write
you know how to use words
to mimick the touch on one’s abscessed spine
how do you cut to the core
when you don’t know yourself
and you don’t say what you mean
and I plead you do
but my expressions go right through you.
I’ve only seen your daughter
a few times it seemed like time slowed down
because I wanted to know her
to understand you
she looks more like her father
but the traces of you are in there

And when she speaks
she is just like you
I don’t know how to explain it
or to prove this
but

like her sudden spurts of energy
like when something brings her joy
I just hope she doesn’t use her grin the same way
I pray that she’s more free
I pray that your traits don’t rub on her
like how your mascara pours off when you fake cry
a waterfall
and your lashes fall into the street
composting the scraps of authenticity that fall to the wayside

And sometimes I think if I could meet your daughter
for more than a split second
I’d get the answers
but I know that isn’t true
other times I pray for amnesia
but I learned so much from you
even if it includes knives
to destroy myself.

Author: for-kindness

27 yo now deceased, was for kindness. Writings, poems, posts to keep his memory alive. His story to step up awareness of the effect of mental illness and addiction in our children.

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