Sean, please know how much I love you. June 13, 2010
You have been the light in my life since the day you were born (Your brother made that light shine even more).
When you were an infant you felt like you were in pain a lot-gas pain from colic. I would sit with you on my lap-you would lie on your tummy. We would listen to “elevator music” It totally soothed you. I know the music you love is better now but, even at an early age I could see how your body loved music. I loved that I could make you feel better.
When you were ages two to four, I would bring you to L&D, the nurses and doctors loved you-you were so precocious. My friend Gwen would say “that kid is going to rule the world”-she still does say that by the way. My friends Jean and Leila would play with you-I loved the time we all spent together.
When you were in sports as a kid-so many of your coaches remarked on your leadership ability-you could really inspire the team. You had a kind heart and a loving persona. You befriended some of the people who needed a friend the most.
As you grew, watching your mind grow and your body change. I was struck by how much your smile never changed. I still love seeing it.
The next part isn’t easy to say. You know I can be a pushover but, for all our sakes, I need to be strong. For all the reasons above, I give in too much. As much as I love you-I can’t make you better. I can however do as much as possible to keep myself from going crazy. Dad and Ned also need a stable existence.
The “rules” Dad and I need if you come home are not about locking you down or running your life.
They are about keeping our sanity. I can’t go back to not sleeping at night. I need a set curfew and bedtime. We need weekly testing, so we don’t have to worry about locking our stuff up all the time. I will not lock up my purse every night because you are home and I’m worried about your stealing my stuff. If you use drugs or alcohol you will be kicked out. You have to attend meetings and counseling. We need to be involved in your care. Our home is ours. You are our son and we will give you a place to live but we won’t go crazy and ruin our lives because of you. I’m not sure what you need for treatment that is up to you and your caregivers.
I realize this isn’t what you want to hear. However, we need to live our lives-to keep our jobs and our home peaceful. Your dad and I’ve worked really hard to buy our home-we can’t live with the possibility of your being disrespectful to us –our home and our health.
I’m upset about your getting money from me and lying to me all along. I can no longer give you any cash. It is as though you feel I should give you money-well I won’t do that for you to blow it on drugs. I work hard all the time, too hard to give it away for you to waste.